Finding "The Point" - Work
It has been exactly 5 years since I first entered the Software Dev industry after graduating (at least, according to all the people who decide my job title tell me). I'm now also on the eve of starting my fourth dev job since the start of 2022.
18 months ago I also made a blog post, talking about how I wanted to make a video game. This hasn't happened, not even a little bit. So what has been happening?
I feel like I have valid reasons for leaving three jobs this last year. I also can't help but feel that part of the issue is I'm also just unhappy doing what I am doing.
I was at the second job of 2022 for 3 months, and I was doing literally nothing and being paid well for it. But it was the most unfulfilled I have felt in my career so far. I get that to some people this also sounds like the dream, but I felt attached to this job in an annoying way. I couldn't relax and just play video games all day, I felt like I needed to be available just in case something did happen, and it destroyed my mental health. Then it looked like the company which acquired us just as I joined would be cancelling projects, I decided now was as good of a time to leave as any.
Most recently I was part of a tiny consultancy start up of 3 people, including me, local in Sheffield. My time there was mostly spent on React Native. I picked it up pretty quickly and got stuck in. I feel like I am good at my job, and I'm quick to get going on tasks and projects. But it wasn't quite fulfilling for me. I didn't get the "point" of what we were doing. Am I helping anybody? So the moment that one of my colleagues tried to bully me into doing what they said very loudly in front of others I just knew at that moment that hey, I'm not getting what I want and need out of this, and this person is being awful, I am just going to leave. So I did.
We're really lucky in Software Development right now that when something like this happens, we can hopefully bounce back and find something new pretty quickly. It won't always be like this, but while it is, I have taken advantage of it when I can. But I also find this incredibly exhausting. What if that one email I ignored was the one? Should I take this job, if there might be one which fits me more next week? What is the point of this job?
New opportunities come in via email, and LinkedIn, every single day. I can't help but think now, after this last year, what if the right one isn't out there. You know, the one where you want to stay there for years. Where the people you work with make you content. I think I strive for this idea of "community", where even in the good and bad times people can come together and not be shitty. We're all human, we all make mistakes, and from what I have seen so far every company says they do this. But they don't, or at least, not when it matters.
I spent a bit of time trying to find something with this next job a bit more "core" to what I'm looking for. For this latest job the sector is focused on Academia, and the people I will be working with all seem friendly and great. The tech stack is one I really like using for my personal projects, using Next.js. And like all my previous jobs, I will give it my all, continue being a great employee and developer, and hope that everything comes together this time. Moving back into something where I can see it doing something good for people in academia I imagine will help a lot.
I'm good at my job as a software developer, I just don't think I'm very good at finding the point of it. There's a feeling of "is this even right for me?", "am I doing right by others?", "will I ever be properly happy with what I'm doing". I can only hope that one day, I stumble across the point, and find my community. And if I don't, then I hope I make steps to making it myself. I'm sure I'm not the only one out there who feels like this, if I can help them too, then we're on the road to something worthwhile.
